When your Body Attacks 1.1

When your Body Attacks 1.1

So…the other day I was obliged to go to the doctor for a stubborn stomach bug…let’s just leave at that rather than have an unnecessary over share (because I will be having necessary ones later on, trust me). Ironically, the day that I had come down with this “stomach bug” I had finally broken down and made an appointment to see the doctor about some maladies I had been having over the past few months which I ended up cancelling because of sick little girl…oh, and me too.     Actually, it worked out well I could kill two birds with one stone.  I hate going to the doctor, I always feel like a hypochondriac even when there is something really wrong with me.  He ordered a few blood tests for the stomach bug and then a couple of test for my other complaints.  A few days later I got a call from his office telling me that the stomach bug test were all normal (goodie!), but I needed to come and discuss the “other” test.  Was next week ok?  First of all, the day was Wednesday and the appointment was for Monday.   I think it’s just a little cruel to do this because you are going to think of all of the worst case scenarios, its human nature. Don’t tell me that there was a problem, refuse to talk about said problem and then make me wait for nearly a week to find out what the problem was….TORTURE!!!!!

The following week I go in for my “BAD” test results.  Okay, my Rheumatoid Factor was nearly four times the normal high.  Which apparently is very high, but his additional encouragement was it wasn’t the worst that he had seen.   Delightful tidbit of information.  Then he starts to talk about all of the nasty and confusing diseases that can be associated with this test result and how we have to start narrowing down all of the possibilities.  He attempts to get a more detailed personal and family medical history which honestly as far as the family goes…ok , I know a few things but little direction would be helpful like what are you looking for specifically.   He then orders more blood work and tells me to make an appointment with a Rheumatologist once the results of the second round of test were available. 

 The kicker…I have to be NSAID free (I was currently taking Celebrex, but also includes Aspirin, Advil or Aleve) for 10 days before having the blood test done.  Are you kidding me, I had just started my period (sorry for the over share there) plus I can’t remember a day that I haven’t needed a NSAID in the last few months.  I was diagnosed with tennis elbow a few years ago which is why I take the Celebrex.  I am thinking…I will be one grumpy bitch for the next 10 days.  Strangely enough, that wasn’t the case.  Unhappily, I realized how badly my body was hurting me but was masked by better living through chemistry.  I felt like an exhausted, drunk, red-eyed Sloth that had been hit by a train whilst having every joint in my body overextended repeatedly.   Tennis Elbow was cake compared to this.   As an added bonus, I swelled up like a bullfrog on the long drive back from Florida.  Oh, did I mention that we were about to leave on a quick-trip vacation?  Yes, we were.  Nice, right?

 Once the blood test was done, I was told that it was OK to take Advil or Aleve, but to wait on resuming the Celebrex until I had consulted with a Rheumatologist.  You would think that they would help or at least take the edge off, but NooOOOOoo….it was like pissing on a wildfire.  CRAP!  I had to resort to using the 2 year old leftover Vicodin from my Carpal Tunnel Release Surgery on a couple of occasions.  I know....self medicating is very bad, but so is chewing off your arm or going insane with the desire to chew off ones arm.  I chose the lesser evil and was no worse for wear.  

Now, I am thinking about myself, my lifestyle, my tolerance for and my general compliance with medical things to decide what my preference in a disease would be.   The good thing is I do know what it’s not:  Lyme’s, Thyroid related or Vitamin D deficiency (which apparently has some horrible effects).  At the present, I am thinking that any one of those is a better alternative. 

Waiting…Waiting…Waiting. Finally…I got a letter, not a phone call; a generic carbon copy style form letter stating that the test results were still high and I needed to consult with a Rheumatologist.  Alright, now here is a big bitch….that is fucking unbelievable!!! I am also thinking….maybe I need to find another GP, because if you as my Doctor or your office staff thinks that is good practice…you are complete wrong.  I worked in Veterinary Medicine for years, even in Corporate and we would never do that to a client….ever, and if we did I don’t think we would have had very many clients. 

Nonetheless, I was able to get until see the Rheumatologist rather quickly, very nice women.  She is positive that I have an Autoimmune Disorder and right now it’s called Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease (UCTD) and/or Sjogren ’s Syndrome.  Essentially, UCTD means that I have a lot of symptoms of a couple of different autoimmune diseases (little Lupus, little Rheumatoid Arthritis,  little Scleroderma, little Sjogren’s ….and the list goes on and on and on);  but there is not enough evidence that points to one in particular. Namely… blood test, however that is likely to change since they took liters of blood to run more test which will either confirm or not.  I am certain after that there will be more testing. The bright spot was the Ophthalmologist informed me that although I do have very dry eye (caused by my tears not producing enough oil)….I don’t have the kind found in Sjogren ’s syndrome, however it still not off the list because I have serious gland inflammation.  Sjogren’s attacks moisture producing glands (tears, saliva, gastric, etc); it also has a long list of other symptoms.  So what does it mean for me?  Mostly, I have fatigue from hell and joint pain even to the touch.  Basically, I feel like I have a really nasty flu without the coughing and sneezing.  Then there are the every now and then things like when I take a deep breath I get a sharp pain in my chest and the fun little heart arrhythmia that I wanted to blame on too much coffee or stress.  It seemed like when I was willing to go to the doctor it magically went away.  Brain fog….well, I think that pretty much describes what it is....sort of!  Raynaud’s phenomenon, which is when my hands and feet get cold or I am stressed or for no particular reason at all (this will happen in the summer which is truly weird) they turn white and go numb caused by an abnormality of the blood vessels.   I also have pretty red cheeks that come and go on my face which may or may not be related.  My GERD is probably wrapped up in this somewhere too.

What have I learned about autoimmune disease is that it can take years to finally be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease because they mimic so many other diseases.   There is really no one test that will confirm one disease or another; rather a combination of test and symptoms. Autoimmune diseases are fundamentally your immune system attacking any part of your body for unknown reasons.  This disease could stay like it is now(which would suck), it could get worse(which would suck even more) or go away for weeks(not bad), month(even better)or year(excellent) and suddenly flare up one day(yuck) or never be seen again(ok, you get the point).  Confused yet?  What I have also learned is that I am going to have to learn to adapt to this change in my life.  I must keep my sense of humor and not get lost in self-pity.  Laugh at it and it doesn’t seem that bad…cry and you feel like your world is over. 

Stay tuned….and I promise it won’t be another two months until the next post…..there is too much going on not to talk about.

Washing My Brain

Washing my Brain

Ring Pop Flowers I made for my Daughter 5th Bday Cake,2011

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just need to wash my brain.  Huh?   I had a friend who would play sick for what she liked to call a mental health day.  This may not sound like the most mature thing to do, but she had a very stressful and demanding job and although she had three weeks of vacation she rarely was able to take more than a few days off at a time.  So, she had mental health days for those times when her brain needed a break. 

So, when I say that I need to wash my brain, it’s a similar sort of framework.  This is a way to cleanse the crap and sort through all junk floating around.  Cleaning my house, playing the piano, writing; but more often than not cooking does that for me.   I have heard it called mindfulness, to be aware of only what you are doing in that moment.  I let everything fall away and slice my onion or wash the floor.   Sounds silly but it is so relaxing.  How often do we let our minds race aimlessly with all the things that we have to do in a day? When I start my day like that I end up being mentally taxed to the point of total physical exhaustion.   However, when I do one thing with mindfulness, it seems like the rest of the day goes smoothly.  Everything else somehow falls into place.  I wished I could do it all the time; but it’s just not compatible with a five year old either.  Sorry honey, Mommy’s working on her Chi; if you are running with scissors please make sure they are the ones with rounded ends.  You laugh, but I have actually said something very similar to the last part of the sentence before. 

It seems like when you are a Mom, you are “On” all the time.  Even when they aren’t around, you are on “Standby” and the only time you are “Off” is when you are in bed and even then you’re in rapid start-up mode.   I find that cooking is one of those moments where I can really get into the moment.  It has to be done and no one bothers me while I am doing it because everyone wants the final product...most of the time.  However, this started long before I had a child.  I love many different ethnic foods particularly Thai, Indian and Mediterranean/Middle Eastern Foods.  Also, being a transplanted Texan in the NJ/NY area where really good Tex-Mex restaurants are pretty much nonexistent; fantastic Mexican and South /Central American Restaurants though.  I started cooking out of culinary cravings rather than necessity. 

The wonderful thing about living in this region is the cultural diversity which brings to the area ethnic grocery stores.  What a wonderful places to explore!  The produce section alone is an adventure with all the exotic fruits and veggies.  Fresh Litchi, Durian (the most repulsive smelling and delicious tasting fruit ever), Fuzzy Squash and Chinese Okra; I found a whole new world of foods to experiment.  Now, if you look in my kitchen, you would find foodstuffs from around the world; ghee (clarified butter), an assortment of chutney’s, sauces and curries, Nuoc Mam and flour for Bahn Bao or Naan.    The thing about preparing ethnic foods is that you have to prepare it from scratch, no mixes or shortcuts.   I truly had to learn how to cook.

 I have learned to make some of my husbands and my favorite dishes.   I have had happy successes and disgusting failures, particularly discovering that Tomatillos and Passion Fruit aren’t at their best paired with each other.   Through all my culinary growth has come a profound peace from just being in that moment, me and my onion slicing away. Finding a piece of Nirvana in washing my brain and all the better for it.     

My thoughts on the events of late

My thoughts on the events of late

Chichen Itza, Mexico 2008

So, CNN is on the television right now and I just grit my teeth as the anchor just cut-off his guest for no apparent reason other than it’s the beginning of the hour and they most have new material to share. I adore how the media can make international intervention in a Civil War sound like they are giving highlights on a Weekend Fair Bizarre. Ultimately, it’s War. The people of Libya have been and will die. Bombs and bullets do that for some reason. Be respectful of that, it’s not exciting or breaking news, it’s human tragedy and suffering on a scale far larger than you can comprehend or relay. You are clearly oblivious to this or you would recognize that smiling right now is more than a little inappropriate.

I do find the contrast between Libya and Bahrain remarkable. It’s acceptable for one group but not another group to protest based on ethnic background or politics. Apparently, not all liberty is equal. Not that I don’t understand that Gaddafi was killing his people to extinguish an uprising. But, what is it that is happening in Bahrain? Saudi Arabia is just pouring money into their political unrest and with the exception of a few hard liners that seems to be working quite well. My condensed thoughts are this: The Middle East is collectively the world’s largest producer of oil which equates to tremendous wealth coupled with the need for political stability and appearance of peaceful accord within that region. Yet the Middle East is a region of religious differences, tribal mentalities and ancient vendetta’s. They have fighting amongst themselves and with each other for centuries. The twentieth century comes around and poof….they must quickly compact monarchy, tribal and religious differences, diplomacy and compromise in a relatively short period of time not just for the greater good of the region but for the world. I think when there is a gaping disparity (greed) between the classes (between the rich and the poor) is when you see political unrest. A Benevolent Tyranny isn’t that bad when everything else is near Utopia. It’s all about sharing and if you don’t share, someone is eventually going to become upset.

I wished that we would look upon the actions of a country against their people on merit only. Because, although I do believe that there is some validity in our intervention in Libya, I wonder if that country was less viable economically, we would have intervened so readily. Like Iraq and Afghanistan (which are tremendously mineral rich) there is an economic reason to insure an internationally friendly government be present. What about countries that don’t have so much to offer but are under brutal regimes. Genocide is a repulsive but far too often used word in a world where information is readily and rapidly available and countries that, let’s face it, know better. There is a great sadness in the realization that we weight human life with the global dollar impact as a counterbalance. If intervention comes, it comes when the death toll reaches an unacceptable level. I wonder how many people lives equals genocide. Does it make sense that we ask that question?

The Media 1.1

The Media

Specifically, the News Media; I guarantee they may possibly be one of my biggest daily annoyance. I have XM Radio in my car; therefore the news is on the television and computer in my home, my iPhone and my car. I have uninterrupted News Media coverage at my fingertips; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I question sometimes why I bother to listen or why I feel the need to have it at such close proximity at all times!
Gripe #1
This goes pretty much across the board on “News” Channels – it is their lacking of fully discussing the news around the world. I know we live in the United States, but why do I have to hear about another country only in times of extreme events or tragedy, in relation to a States Persons Visit, as it relates/affects America or some totally absurd blip on someone famous? You would think that as much as the 24/7 Channel “Best News Station on Television” repeat themselves in an hour, they would be enthusiastically searching for more material. I am truly aggravated that I have to listen to Euro News, BBC or NPR (yes, I listen to it, love it and wonder how they can be accused of pushing a liberal agenda; I find them neutral and straight forward. Maybe I am wrong; I will admit that I am left leaning) to hear what is happening around the globe.
Gripe #2
Honestly, I don’t need to know what’s happening or how Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan’s or whoever the celebrity badass of the week life is falling apart. And then to relentlessly beat that horse unrecognizable makes no sense to me. Makes me want to say that horse was dead two hours ago but if you want to keep on beating it, it’s your decision. More importantly, dreadful message you are sending out there to the young folk. My Breakdown: Look at Dick, Dick is rich and famous, Dick is a drug addict, Dick gets a lot of attention because he is a drug addict and has been very bad, Dick makes lots more money because he is getting attention because he is very bad and a drug addict, Don’t be like Dick! Really? You think that is encouragement not to be like Dick? More significantly, what have we learned…Nothing. You haven’t talk about the other, perhaps more relevant topics that actually do have substantial importance to the public and public health like the fact that the FDA has TAKEN CONTROL of THREE Johnston and Johnston Factories that produce the most commonly used pain relievers and antihistamines in the country…Not beating that one unrecognizable, are we? Why not? Hummmm!
***You may think that I am being hard on Addiction and I would say you are right but that I am also realistic. I lived with a struggling addict for 5 years and when you have lived in that world your view either becomes permanently twisted and distorted or you face it for what it is….Their problem that they have to deal with or not. Ultimately, it’s their choice and their life. I truly sense that what News Channels are inadvertently making all of their viewers unwitting Enablers. I fully comprehend what addiction does and any person dealing with it has my genuine empathy...but for my sanity it has to be from a distance.***


Gripe #3
The feeling-ers, the unfeeling-ers, the whiners, arrogant bastards, bigots, xenophobes of Cable News.
The Feeling-ers. Okay, I’m not going to lie about this FOX news has a very special place in my heart that I like to call “FIND your happy place NOW” spot. I can no longer watch or listen to FOX without a profanity leaving my mouth in record time. In fact, I call them FOX Feelings because much of what they say is based on one-sided opinions, unsupported or grossly inaccurate facts, near gossip-like propaganda style reporting, and a lot of “my feeling, I think, my opinion” with the attention span of a 1 year old and the memory of a hamster. I also refer to them as verbal junk food, but I digress. I think that MSNBC is relatively the same with the feelings thing; in their favor is their played-down version of sensationalized Jerry Springer style news reporting of FOX, but they make up for it with high marks on a couple of the other areas. HLN is no better with their feelings either. I want the News; not your feelings, your opinions or thoughts. I don’t want you to Google something for me because I probably know what it means already and moreover I know you are much intelligent than you are acting (and I do mean acting in the literal sense) or you wouldn’t be sitting where you are, my friend.
The Unfeeling-ers. This group, pretty much every News Channel gets an “F” on this for numerous reasons. A couple of do and don’t should be established with news agencies. New anchors need to behave principally compassionate and yet professionally detached from the subjects that they are reporting or persons they are interviewing. Don’t coarsely interrupt someone when they aren’t going in the direction you were looking for and DON’T repeatedly question them (even re-worded) any more than two maybe three times if you have reworded it. Don’t ask them to restate, or confirm or deny repeatedly either, because trust me I got it the first time. Listen to what the person you are interviewing has just said, because you will look like an asshole if you haven’t. And please stop with the “Moving forward/pushing on” crap because you are talking on the subject of the news not trying to finish a hike. Add those comments after a rather tragic story and you sound tactless and uninterested.
The Whiners. This is the groups that constantly bitches, moans and complains about everything without any valid solutions or willingness to embrace solutions either. Please don’t forget that you are a news agency if I want to watch a talk show, I will watch a talk show…right now I am watching a news channel.
Arrogant Bastards. Excuse me, CNN and FOX, could you please turn down the volume of your ego, thank you. I don’t need you to tell me over and over and over again that you are the Best. I would prefer to make my own judgment, Thanks.
The Bigots and Xenophobic. FYI, FOX NEWS….the US just might be the only country in the world that legally protects and permits you to spew out your particular brand of outrageous, shameful, inexcusable, intolerance and hateful rhetoric. Other countries would hold you accountable for your programming. Do you think about the dividing chasm that you are facilitating? It might be profitable, but how’s your conscience?
Wow, I feel better now. That’s all for now…
Stay Tuned: Next time, well let’s just say I am working on it….

Religion 1.1

Religion1.1

Bath, UK 2009. Picture taken from Roman Baths.

Okay, might as well start with one of the big taboos. First, I am closer to agnostic than atheist. I don’t believe in any religion or any god. Is there a god, higher being, etc.? What happens after death? I don’t know. And for someone who hates surprises, I am not bothered with not knowing. I view it as being the biggest surprise of my life. My husband who is an atheist and teases me about this saying; there is still too much Christian fear in me to believe that there is

nothing after death. I have many reasons for thinking

differently some logical, some not…like energy doesn’t just disappear, and my intense yearning for deeply personal

reasons that Karma really does exist! Here is my take on religion; there are literally thousands of current and extinct religions so how can I consider that only one is right? That leaves a whole bunch of people very, very wrong. And what happens to all of those poor souls who lived centuries before or continents away from let’s say Christianity (as it is a relatively new religion with pretty clear definitions that I am somewhat familiar with)? These are the questions that come to my mind when faced with the question of religion. What I find most fascinating is throughout our human history just about every culture has had some form of religion and now even the lack of religious affiliations is a religious affiliation. Look on any form….astonishing isn’t it?

My morality challenged- I believe that within all of us is a moral compass that guides us throughout life. Everyone is tuned differently, no doubt, but I don’t believe that religion is the best indicator of whether or not a person is “moral” or not. For me, there is no bigger hypocrite than a person that claims to be religious (doesn’t matter what religion either)knowingly and persistently break the beliefs of that religion because they know that they will be forgiven by that religion (I want to perhaps unfairly add here, if they are caught but not always true) when they plead for it. Contrition is lost. I am sorry but there is a bitter taste that comes with that back door logic. If you recognize its wrong, don’t do it…end of story. We all know the difference between truly right and truly wrong. Many shades of grey follow but the basics are pretty clear. To imply that I am without morals because of my lack of religious attachment is ludicrous, infuriating and totally without merit. The cloak of religion is not a coat of arms for morality, rather a badge of affiliation. There is a vast difference between a righteous man and a religious man, they can be one and the same but it has nothing to do with name attached to their religious affiliation. I often think, show me the quality of your raw soul; not the façade you present, not your good deeds or the greatness of your charity…your soul in its purity. I would not hesitate to show mine even with its imperfections; side by side with those people who declare that I am immoral for my beliefs and show me the superior soul.

Faith, now that is a truly beautiful and awesomely powerful human gift. Faith gives us hope, strength, solace, and the courage to do things that seem impossible. Faith is one of the things that ALL religions share and encompasses people like me without religion. It is infectious and hard to snuff out. Faith can change a country and cure disease. It challenges us to get up, dust off our pants and start over even when it doesn’t seem sane. Faith has been the principal source for some of our greatest adventures, discoveries, and inventions. I think we typically consider that religion and faith are synonymous with each other; I feel its roots are far bigger, more deeply embedded and uniquely a part of the human race. Something that is nearly impossible to accurately articulate and for each person profoundly personal, just try to do it? Primarily you would hear, it is the strong belief in something. But why do we have Faith? Why do we need it? Now try to imagine a world without Faith? Even the worst pessimist has faith that things can only get worse!

Religion is an intensely personal journey for everyone. I wholly respect that people have differing beliefs than mine and that those beliefs may take us in different directions. I also want my beliefs to be respected as well.

That about wraps up this session. I will definitely be re-visiting the topic, because I haven’t had the time to talk about God in Schools /Politics/Government and Religious Intolerance….just off the top of my head.

Stay Tuned: Next time I will be swirling around…..The Media

In the beginning

Okay, I’m going to start out by saying, to some extent; this digital brainstorm may seriously offend some people. Do I care? Of course, I do! However, I don’t think that I should apologize for my beliefs and opinions because they belong to me and no one else. Henry David Thoreau said in the second paragraph of ‘Walden’: “I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.” I was hooked and forever grateful to Thoreau who brought reason back into my life and has guided me throughout my adult life. I have always thought that his works are poignant even in these modern times.
I must be getting old because, more and more, I find myself pondering the perplexing complexity (lovely little twist of words) of this world. I don’t think it’s possible to “Sum Up” my thoughts and feelings, as though those things could be added and subtracted to neatly arrive at one singular declaration. Somehow, we have become a world of buzz words and blips of meaningless chatter that superficially sounds intelligent, heartfelt and sincere, but lacks the teeth to invoke real emotional response. Our tolerance and worst of all indifference of Human Tragedy, Suffering and Oppression horrifies and deeply saddens every part of my existence. Trust me, I am no better than the next person and I know it. I must nearly daily prevent myself from carelessly regarding the drunken bum who walks downtown with his filthy pissed in pants without heartless disregard and absolute disgust. Let’s be honest, I would certainly prefer it to be at a distance rather than close proximately for obvious reasons. Yet, I wonder what it is that made this poor man live in the rather sickening existence that he does. Where did he break? What caused it? Could it be fixed? I strive to be in position that holds deliberate thoughtfulness for life in spite of what society may think that life is worth. Why am I always judging with extreme prejudice in all things that are not of me, it seems like we all do.
Along with getting old comes what I like to call being hopeless lost in my middle-class-ness. What does that mean for me? We are not by any stretch of the imagination rich, but I have long since forgotten what it is like to “worry” about money in a day to day way. I worry that we aren’t saving or investing enough. This to me is the disconnection I have to the problems so many people face here in America. I can’t imagine not having vacations, health insurance, a car, a home, being able to put food on the table, truly worrying about my child’s health or safety because of our neighborhood, paying my bills and that’s just the obvious things. I know that there are problems that I can’t even begin to imagine. I am grateful that I don’t have to worry about those things; however I believe that it creates a gap in understanding and compassion. When I hear politician speak….this is the conditional understanding that is lost to them. It’s very easy to declare you have compassion for these people when you don’t have to walk in their shoes and likely will never have to walk in those shoes.
So, this is my humble go at it, my digital footprint in the sand or at least a way to vent some of my frustration with the world that we live in today. And maybe one day…I will find Nirvana while I spin around this super massive black hole of my middle aged disillusionment.
Stay Tuned: Next time I will be discussing my thoughts on a practically taboo topic of……
RELIGION